“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”


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-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-Say it
-I want u to say it
-Say it


If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.


A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.


Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.


What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?


I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.


Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂


Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station


[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business


Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine