“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”


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I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow


“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.


Me: What music you into?

Date: I love hip hop

Me: Yeah me too

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin


I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.


me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”


DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti


God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.


Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women


I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same