@TheBoydP

“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”

~Management

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@samalmightysam

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

@OddMarc

If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.

@KrunkedRobot

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

@SteveDutzy

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

@SteveSuckington

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

@Lisabug74

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

@molly7anne

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂

@ristolable

Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station

@ShortSleeveSuit

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

@CafeinatedBacon

Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine