me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
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People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum