[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
