Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
You Might Also Like
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”