Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
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Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?