I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
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don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications