My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
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It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
I won’t be in today
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
this is me
There are usually two types of merchants.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags