Still my favorite headline of all time:
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I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
dads on road-trips be like
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I told my vodka about you.
Not today
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!