If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
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me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.