I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
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Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I triple waxed for this?
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
went fishing caught a bass
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Just a bush.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch