Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
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Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
If there鈥檚 a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
[during fight]
him: I鈥檒l cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it鈥檚 you I don鈥檛 like.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he鈥檚 13, I鈥檒l be going to bed at sunrise.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
馃槀馃槀
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It鈥檚 like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn鈥檛 wrapped in plastic.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I鈥檓 over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy鈥檚 wine.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife鈥檚 pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Bloody internet 馃槼
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.