my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
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I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)