just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
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I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Need WebMD
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.