*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
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I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I need this for my side hustle.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know