I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
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Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
THE AUDACITY. 😤
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Sell your car
This chloroform smells expensiv…
kids play hide and seek like
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me