Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
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INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician