Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
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*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Cucumbers Anonymous
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]