I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
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I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Stonehinge
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.