Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️
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I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Sorted
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.