Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
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[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
journal
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.