Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
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If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
calling in to work dehydrated
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008