In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
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Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*