[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
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Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:
“Riot”
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Danger is very dangerous
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
He instantly became one of the bros
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.