God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
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Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
How can I say no to this ?
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter