“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
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“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.