Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
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Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Deer are just ballerina dogs