Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
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You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.