A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
You Might Also Like
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?