TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
You Might Also Like
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
accurate
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.