foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
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A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly