I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
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HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*