“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
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I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.