“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
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me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
where the womens at?
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?