There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

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Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.


It’s called St. Valentine’s Day because St. Blowjob for Jewelry Day just didn’t have the same ring to it.


*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough


I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…


Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire


I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.


I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.


A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.


Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.