There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
You Might Also Like
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Finally! 😈
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I wish I could veto my bills.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day