There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.![]()
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Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:
-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40More info soon.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?