There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
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Tear gas is the saddest gas.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.