angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
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[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Sending in my taxes
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before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
who called it hell and not heaven’t
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
iPhone X
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“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
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The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.