Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
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I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
I can’t stop watching this.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.