Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
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Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*