Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
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I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Watermelon Boss!
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.