Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
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Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday