Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
Does this Guilt have a sist
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
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Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”