me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
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the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
seems fine
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.