So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 馃拃
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
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When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don鈥檛 you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I鈥檇 have to be voted in and that wouldn鈥檛 happen.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Autoimmune disease means you鈥檙e invincible to dying in a car accident.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Yup!
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I鈥檓 99% positive I know those clowns.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
i don鈥檛 know what i鈥檓 going to be for halloween so i鈥檓 probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”