During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
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My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.