The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
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I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.