If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
You Might Also Like
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
fixed it
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”