angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
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I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isnāt the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Schrƶdinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrƶdinger: Or do I?
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: thatās my son
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Iām not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesnāt know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they donāt count
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought thereād be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not donāt be ridiculous
š
āBut, Iām a talking tree!ā said the oak.
āAnd, you will dialogue,ā replied the lumberjack.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
You had me at ādefine legalā.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Some people canāt sleep because they have insomnia. I canāt sleep because I have internet connection.