To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
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While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
😅🤣😂
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
the best thing i’ve ever made
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers