Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
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Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.