I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
You Might Also Like
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Breaking news:
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!