Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
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Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family