My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
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“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol